WHAT'S WITH THESE EMOTIONS CAUSING A COMMOTION?

I have a confession to make.  I have been guilty of some less than stellar behavior lately and I am quite embarrassed about it.  Therefore, I am putting myself in your hands and sharing with you what I have been feeling lately.  Now, I know that I talk a lot about what happens on the outside as you approach, are in or passing middle age, but I think it is about time that I address what happens on the inside - emotionally.  Of course, not everyone is going to have the same perimenopause/menopause symptoms as I have been experiencing, but it is still important to share and talk about these changes no matter if they are minute or massive.  Truthfully, I was hoping that I would be one of those lucky women who breezes her way through “the change,” but I have never been particularly lucky.  And it is this ill-fate that has been evidenced in my recent dalliances in what I can only describe as my “menopausal moments.”  It is these "moments" that has compelled me to want to share in hopes of finding community, commiseration and comedic relief as I have recently discovered that often times losing estrogen and losing your patience go hand-in-hand.  These are not my greatest moments, and I am certainly not proud of my behavior, but this is my my truth and I am accountable so let me explain the garish details.

Why does everything seem to annoy and bother me?  That sounds hostile, I know, but, seriously, everything really does annoy me.  And, it is this irritability that has somehow managed to reach epic proportions that has gotten me into trouble - especially at work.  I work in a corporate environment that is conservative, political, high-powered, and very stressful.  It is a rigid domain that calls for civility, formality and decorum.  All of which I usually have no problem with. The actual problem seems to be my menopausal moments.  It is those times where I find myself at my wits’ end (for no good reason) and I end up audaciously saying exactly what is on my mind; really not caring about what just spewed out of my mouth or even considering the aftermath.  Yes, I am guilty of failing to exercise finesse and political correctness and because of this I recently found myself in a compromising situation.  A precarious situation that landed me straight in the Human Resources Department where I was “coached” on how to “put sugar” on my words and emails.  That’s right.  I was “coached” on how to be nice.  At 49 years old, I found myself in the principal’s office being reprimanded for not playing nice on the playground.  Let’s just say it was a very uncomfortable conversation, and I was stubborn and emotional.  All the while having an inner dialogue that asked  “Who are you?” and “Why are you so upset?” Intellectually, I knew I was behaving badly, but my emotions were out of my reach.  It was an inner struggle of which I can only compare to a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde episode and my serum to rid me of this ghastly creature was nowhere to be found.

Compounding bad onto worse, is my proficiency in becoming suddenly angry over inconsequential and trivial things. For instance, I recently got into a heated argument with my husband over his unwillingness to take an “outfit of the day” shot for my Instagram account.  Yes, this really happened.  It wasn’t just his unenthusiasm that bothered me, but it was what I perceived to be his utter inability to take a decent shot.  Again, I knew that at this moment, nothing was going to please me, but I just wasn’t able to control myself and walk away and call it a day.  The argument got so contentious that my husband, in his moment of anger, deleted all of the pictures that he had taken.  This literally crushed me.  Why?  I still don’t know.  I didn’t even like any of the pictures.  I didn’t even like myself at the time.  And so I began to cry.  Actually, it was more like sobbing.  Sobbing over silliness.  Finally, it was at this point, that I actually had the wherewithal to take myself out of the situation and locked myself in our bedroom for the next couple of hours and gave myself a time-out.  A time out to collect my thoughts, find my dignity and put things in perspective.  I knew I was acting crazy, and it got me thinking:  what’s with these emotions causing a commotion?

Over the next few days, I decided to talk with some of my girlfriends about what was going on.  I wrote about it.  And I thought about it.  I deduced that perhaps I am entering another phase in my aging journey… an emotional phase.  Although, I refuse to blame all of my depravity on PMS, perimenopause or menopause - I cannot deny my suspicion that the encroaching loss of estrogen isn’t somehow playing a part.  And that I naively thought that having a partial hysterectomy would free me of the hormonal restraints that come with menstruation.  Now I realize that that was only the beginning.  That the yin and yang of the female existence will continue to pull me in different directions and I better learn how to enjoy this journey because it might be a bumpy one going forward.  Although admittedly, sometimes I do plead with Mother Nature asking “When is enough, enough?”  And then I have to remind myself to respect the process and be grateful that I am able to experience it because regardless of those menopausal moments, it is still a beautiful one.  Aging is an incredibly strong process and a significant journey riddled with strife, confusion and hopefully the maturity to recognize it all.

I’d really like to end this post with a happy ending and tell you all how I have everything figured out, but I don’t and that would be unrealistic.  Will we ever stop changing?  I hope not.  Change is growth and I have always been a big proponent of growth.  As of now though, I am far from having everything figured out, but I recognize it, and I think that’s a good start.  Life has placed another bridge for me to cross and I am trepidatious about it, and a bit excited, and a bit confused, but it isn't anything that I can't handle.  So I am going to continue sharing and talking about these changes with good humor, a positive attitude  and a good stiff drink.  And perhaps I’ll explore dietary changes, medication, add more exercise to my life… I don’t know, but I’ll be sure to let you know. 



“One is not born a woman, one becomes one.” - Simone de Beauvoir