COUNTING SHEEP, COUNTING STARS AND LOSING SLEEP

My sleep has gone missing.  I’ve looked everywhere for it and I just can’t seem to find it.  I’ve looked for it at 2:00 a.m.  I’ve looked for it at 3:00 a.m.  I’ve even looked for it at 4:00 a.m. and it is nowhere to be found.  Have you seen it?  I really miss my sleep and I hope that I find it soon because going without it has left me less than wide-eyed and bushy-tailed. On any given day in any given week during the wee hours of the morning, I can often be found staring straight up into space, eyes wide open, thinking about how I’d like to be asleep.  And so I try. I try willing it. I try coaxing it. And then when all else fails, I admonish it. I try and I try, but there I lay or there I stand, looking up at the early morning sky through my bedroom window pondering.  Pondering the state of my life, the state of the world, what I am going to wear, which book I want to read, or… “Hey, what’s that guy outside doing walking at this time?!”  You know, just the typical random and often wacky thoughts one has when sleep deprived with one foot in reality and the other lost in space.  Counting sheep, counting stars and losing sleep.

Historically, I have always been a person who slept a minimum of 8-9 hours per night so you can imagine how hard this has been for me.  So many changes during this time of midlife, but losing my sleep has proven to be quite a conundrum. Just how does one get their sleep back?  As I usually do, I turned to the people in my life and asked them this very question.  Here are some of their suggestions, in no particular order:  take Ambien (for the rest of my life?), have a nightly cocktail (again, for the rest of my life?), smoke a joint (what?), meditate (that takes a lot of practice), take liquid cannabis (no thanks), just stay up later (getting warmer), and have more sex (insert crickets here). I was literally dumbstruck by that last suggestion, so I simply walked away. With that said, and for the mere fact that this blog is all about perseverance, I have managed to implement a few strategic coping mechanisms to help me deal with my existence as a creature of the night. Hopefully, this will also prevent me from falling into that late night/early morning Amazon trap. You know, when you’re up at 3 a.m. making what you think at the time is an awesome purchase, but when you’ve actually slept on it you then realize “What the hell was I thinking?”  Yes, that Amazon trap.

The importance of establishing a nighttime routine has been discussed to death and for good reason… because it works.  Thanks to my fairly lengthy nighttime skincare routine, I found that I was already ahead of the game and including a few more steps wasn’t problematic. Foregoing the suggested nightly cocktail, I have instead opted for a nightly cup of Chamomile Tea. I have also downloaded a free app called “Relax Melodies.”  Using this app, I can listen to all types of sleep sounds and white noise. My current favorite is ocean waves, but I also really like the frogs with running water. This app offers a bevy of sounds to lull one into sleep. My sister also introduced me to a number of storytelling podcasts which I enjoy listening to. And, lastly, the piece de resistance, is my diffuser which I use every night with Lavender oil. Now, all of this sounds pretty good, right?  Like I’m off to a great start?  “Start” actually being the key word here. While I have been quite successful at falling asleep, it is when I find myself awake after about 4-5 hours that has been the bane of my existence. Losing my sleep has been a twofold challenge. So, when I find myself awake in the early morning hours, I reach for my journal which now rests beside my bed. And, when I am done staring out the window pondering my state of affairs, I write down whatever comes into my head. Or, if I find myself awake anywhere near the 5 a.m. hour I get up, I quickly get dressed (keeping a set of workout clothes next to my bed as well) and I either do a 30 minute workout in my garage or I go out for a walk/run.  Now, I am not going to sugarcoat this, actually accomplishing a very early morning workout is very difficult for me because I really like being in bed. For me, mustering up the moxie to get up, get dressed, and work out is formidable and laborious and involves jumping through a lot of mental hoops. I overcome this by keeping in mind the payout that comes after which is that great mood and mental high that follows a workout making me feel large and in charge and ready for anything. Concentrating on this aspect is what really gets me out and “Sweatin’ to the Oldies.”  (If you recognize that reference, kudos to you my 80's friend).

I have found a knew outlook in my midlife and instead of getting mad and frustrated with myself and my aging body, I am getting even. I am getting even in the best way possible. By taking care of myself with a lot of forgiveness, acceptance and tenacity.  Navigating and learning this new way of life and dealing with a new existence is profound. In many ways, I am getting to know an entirely new me and although it is definitely different and sometimes a drag, it is never boring. Aging is a trip, isn’t it?  Literally and figuratively. A trip worth reaching because I am worth it.  And so are all of you. With small changes and an open and forgiving mindset we can find ways of managing and accepting what a lot would consider to be midlife calamities. Ha! Midlife calamities… more like midlife marvels. I have to admit though, I still do very much miss my sleep. I hope that someday it will return so that I can finally put these sheep safely back into their barn where they belong and leave the stars safely in their sky where they belong, and tuck myself safely back into my bed…where I belong.  

"In the end, it's not the years in your life that count, it's the life in your years." 
Abraham Lincoln