KNOWING WHEN TO HOLD 'EM AND KNOWING WHEN TO FOLD 'EM - THE FRIENDSHIP DIVORCE

Relationships.  Where do I start?  I know it is the holiday season and it is supposed to be peace on earth, good cheer, and good will to all (and all that soppiness), but disappointments don’t respect the holidays.  Neither do inconsideration, rejection and selfishness.  At least in my life they don’t.  And, unfortunately, all three have recently left an indelible and profound mark upon me so I now find myself compelled and saddened to make this next post about… relationships.  Relationships that fail to fulfill expectations, dishearten and disillusion.  Yep, I am speaking of The Friendship Divorce.  Being somewhat of a tolerant, hopeful and forgiving person, I don’t handle Friendship Divorces well nor do I have much experience in this department and, as such, I find this topic to be an unsavory and arduous task to share and write about.  I am also going to keep this post nonspecific in the details of exactly what brought me to this point because it is unimportant.  The damage has been done.  What IS important is how I move on from here, what I learn from it all, and how walking away from a relationship that is no longer working for me is actually tantamount to trusting, investing and caring for myself.  If there is anything that you take away from this blog post, it should be this:  when we choose to walk away from a toxic relationship it is trusting, investing and caring for ourselves.

Admittedly, I am an incredibly hard egg to crack and am hard to get to know.  Although, I am not hard to get along with and I exceed at the superficiality of small talk and getting to know someone whom I may never see again, but getting to know me is quite a different story.  It is rare that you will find me speaking about myself because, quite frankly, I don’t like talking about myself.  I never have.  I am just not a histrionic person who craves to be the center of anyone’s attention and so I find sharing of myself to be laborious and unpleasant - but, that’s just me.  I am also an extremely private person and very calculated in what I choose to share.  So, when considering a friendship, it takes me a minute to warm up because I have never been one for brief relationships.  It has always been my preference that when I offer my friendship and bring you into my world, and put you on my shelf, so to speak, it is a pledge.  And I expect the same.  I suppose this is how I have managed to keep many friends for decades.  Although it sounds like it, it really isn’t that serious.  I am actually a very outgoing, friendly and personable person.  And lest we forget those wonderful moments where you meet a certain someone and it is like you’ve known each other all your life; just picking up from the moment you met.  Those are great, aren’t they?  Yet, it is one thing if we spend time together, and quite another, if I invite you over to my home and/or invite you to meet my husband, my dogs, my family, my friends, and my world.

I also realize that there are those times that certain people come in and out of your life for short periods of time; however, in this instance, I am speaking of something more meaningful and less superficial.  A real connection, a genuine comfortable relatability, reciprocated interests and kindness with no pretense or fakery or competitiveness, insecurity or harbored unspoken jealousies.  A true palpable and genuine love and support wanting nothing more for each other than to be happy and successful.

I explain all this so that you will have an understanding as to why my circle of friends is a very tough and exclusive space to gain access to.  And, that it is almost unheard of for me to walk away from a friendship simply because I am invested in my friendships.  That is, until the time is reached when I finally realize that perhaps I having been projecting my idealism and philosophy upon someone who doesn’t feel the same or is incapable of giving back.  Now whether that’s because of insecurity, immaturity or fear, I have no idea nor do I care.  It is what it is, but when I have reached that “ick” part of a friendship then it is time for me to start asking myself some serious questions about why I keep working at something that I know will never change.

Not all friendships are going to be easy and some are definitely worth fighting for, and some take a lot of work.  The difference here is that a healthy relationship will grow and flourish as opposed to a failing relationship that will do nothing but remain stagnant and stuck.  And you’ll be stuck finding yourself 5, 10, 15, 25 years later dealing with the same drama you thought you were finished with.  Drama experienced over and over again.  Drama that perhaps you have kept quiet about, been tolerant, forgiving, generous, and supportive all for the sake of keeping the peace.  Until the time comes when you find yourself feeling compromised and resentful.  Those are not good feelings and they can really leave a bitter taste.  I, for one, am ashamed that I have let myself get to this point and can only presume that sometimes a good hard slap in the face or a strong punch in the gut is needed to wake up and realize that it may be time to peacefully walk away.  Divorcing entangled feelings and take a very heavy heart to a space of healing.  At midlife, I have learned a very important lesson:  not every relationship is capable of going the distance and that’s okay.  I have been wearing a disingenuous poker face for far too long and now I find myself uncomfortable, angry, hurt, and sad.  I’ll be okay though because, ultimately, my life is all about me!  And that includes feeling good about myself as well as the people I choose to share it with. 

Yet, I can’t help but think that this is where middle age has placed me.  It has given me the courage, tenacity, wisdom and wherewithal to throw my cards in and recognize the difference between friendships worth saving and friendships that have run their course.  That is, knowing when to hold ‘em and knowing when to fold ‘em. And through it all, I’ll be okay, and you’ll be okay, we will all be okay.  Actually, we will all be better than okay; we’ll be simply fabulous because we are the ones holding all our own cards.

"When there is nothing left to say, lift your head up high, smile, and walk away." - Unknown