AN IMPERATIVE ICELANDIC INTERLUDE

The need to get away, break away or momentarily step away, is always a good idea.  Especially for those of us who tend to get stuck in the thick of things and have a hard time making our way through. Regardless if you happen to have a fairly relaxed personality, the importance of stepping away from our daily lives can be renewing. Whether it is a short or long break, an interlude can wake us up, breathe fresh air into our lungs and bring us back to life. Realizing that I had fallen asleep and finding myself uncomfortably comfortable, I turned to my husband and suggested we take a trip to Iceland. Iceland being a completely different habitat especially for a southern California lady who’s not particularly fond of cold weather, I was trepidatious yet excited.  Looking back now at where I was then, at that moment in my life, I was actually in a precarious position of growth and change and didn’t have a clear understanding of just how to harness my energy and uneasiness. So, yeah, a foreign intervening period of time was needed. A sort of time off and take off time out.

A year ago already… time passes so quickly, doesn’t it?

Iceland is stunningly beautiful. It is definitive, indisputable and undeniable that Iceland is untamed, untethered and free. It is also undeveloped, ethereal and a scientific adventurous dream world of nature that is quiet, unassuming, clean, fresh, safe, and… cold! It is unusual and exotic, but yet manageable without being overwhelming. There is a lot of good in Iceland; there is a lot to discover in Iceland, and there is a lot to love about Iceland. And yet, the single most difficult concept for me to grasp was the realization that the Icelandic people trust. Yes, trust!  Remember that noun?  I had become so jaded and forgetful of what trust feels like that it put me off guard while I tried to acclimate myself to an environment where the locals actually trust.  Let me explain. Parents are known to leave their babies outside stores, while in their carriages of course, with or without the family dog, and they trust that their beloved will remain safely where left, completely unmolested. When I actually witnessed this, I stayed and watched the baby from across the street until the parents returned (which wasn’t long). All the while having a conversation with my husband about what was going on and how I found this trusting nature perplexing. You can also pump your gas first and pay after… once you are done. Something that never happens in Los Angeles. Also, women leave their purses outside the bathroom stalls in bars and restaurants with no qualms about having them stolen. When I stepped into the bathroom after having a few drinks at the fabulous Mikkeller Bar in Reykjavik and witnessed this, I was literally taken aback. I asked myself “Are these women crazy?!” Then I realized “Oh yeah. They actually trust here.” Admittedly, all this trusting did create a bit of anxiety for me. It also restored my faith in humanity and made me very happy. Happy that a place still exists on this earth where people trust. It’s a beautiful thing.

I digress.

Of course, this was all before I started this blog and its accompanying Instagram account… and amazingly, I actually followed through and accomplished everything that I set out to since I had some fairly bold ideas of what I wanted to do while standing in the middle of the countryside at about 2:00 a.m., in the freezing cold, listening to the my husband struggle with his camera equipment because the Northern Lights decided to make their grand appearance. Funny thing, in that type of cold climate, camera equipment can and will tend to fail. Unfortunately, my husband never did get those shots. It doesn’t matter though because it was on this magical freezing night that was wrapped in the fluctuating green, blue, and purple undulating lights… that we talked. I talked. I finally admitted that I felt that I was going through some sort of growing pains and that I didn’t know which direction to take. That I was confused and sick and tired of being sick and tired. Frustrated, depressed and anxious. I was now suffering panic attacks and I had somehow and somewhere lost myself. Now an anxious, depressed, introverted and unhappy person, I had stopped doing a lot of things that once brought me joy. And I felt that I was simply existing in my life instead of really living my life. Worse than all this though, I had stopped challenging myself. I knew I had become difficult and that it was hard to give love when you have fallen out of love with yourself. I explained that I wanted to visit Iceland because I needed a clean, quiet, and completely different location than what I was accustomed to figure it all out. I needed to take myself out of my day-to-day environment and wake up and shake this middle age monkey off my back because she was now heavy and I was now tired. Honestly, it was really embarrassing for me to admit that I wasn’t “right in the head,” but at the time, I really wasn’t. I typically do not talk about my feelings and admitting my vulnerability is horrifying, but if I was going to make the changes that I needed to make I had to put it all out there. So, that’s what I did. On that night, I gave all of my fears, insecurities, anger, frustration, confusion… I gave it all… to Iceland on that one spectacular night under the gloriously brilliant Northern Lights because I knew it was now or never. All of that negativity that I had been carrying around for far too long was absconded forever in one of the most beautiful landscapes I had ever seen. Poof! Just like that. Unceremoniously, I walked away from it all. It was the sweetest surrender; a midlife awakening. And Iceland was the perfect destination in which I came full circle and found myself facing my authentic self. So what happened next? I got back into a relationship with myself.

The next day we went for a 10-mile hike up and over and across and back differing landscapes, crossing creeks and over a glacial debris plain created by retreating glaciers and hundreds of years of floods. During this 10-mile hike, we never said one word to each other. It was completely and utterly blissful. Hiking in silence over a challenging landscape, under a beautiful sky, and for a time under a majestic rainbow, we never uttered a word. It was in my silence that I came to appreciate my life, my husband, my job, my family, my friends… my existence. And as I went from hot and sweating to cold and wet and back that I decided to start this blog and share my midlife diary because I knew that I wasn’t the only middle-age person who felt this way. And that if I could connect and reach one person that felt as horrible as I had been feeling, then my writing would not only be a creative expression for me, it would be a lifeline. I also decided to step out of my comfort zone and open an Instagram account because it was time that I start being me. Share a bit of me and put myself out there in hopes of finding other like-minded individuals who have fear, but aren’t afraid of their fear. Nothing fancy. Just me. Because I still mattered. Same as the wind, rain, earth, water, birds, trees. No matter how fleeting my life may be in this existence, I still mattered.  I matter because I exist.

So back to Iceland; I highly recommend and not just for an existential crisis/awakening. Visit Iceland because of the food, the natural habitat, the waterfalls, the caves, the art, the music. Visit Iceland because it is unusual, pristine and unspoiled. There is so much to explore! So much I left there and so much I took home. I went to Iceland comfortably complacent, asleep, unchallenged, unfulfilled and unhappy. I came back a woman on the verge of renewal, reinvention and reawakened.

A year ago was when I left for an imperative Icelandic interlude.

A year ago, I left as a caterpillar and came back a butterfly. And I’ve been happily fluttering around ever since.

Special Note: making all of the changes that I set out to hasn’t been easy. Actually, it’s been a lot of work. Letting it all go was only the first step. The second, third and fourth steps were scary, demanding and sometimes overwhelming, but I am persevering and thriving. The first thing I did when I returned home was I finally took my therapist’s advice and went on a low dosage of anti-anxiety and depression medication. This has worked wonders for me and has allowed me to think clearly and express my creativity without the burden of anxiety and depression. Although, this medication did cause me to gain weight, I am finally free of the fog these states can cause. And I still slightly cringe every time I post a picture on Instagram because I am so far out of my comfort zone there, but, again, I love it because I am expressing myself. And I am clean and free, just like Iceland, and to me it just doesn’t get any better than that.